I don't even know where to go from here...

We've spent multiple intimate moments together.
Shared some laughs, 
some smiles,
some miles.
Walking, talking, joking, goofing.
exaggerating the miles.
laying entwined in each others skin
not worrying about anything,
nor of sin,
Yet I fear where we stand,
I fear of moments already planned,
of dreams and desires
to distract the hours,
but lest we forget
these moments that are spent,
I'll keep them near and dear
regardless of fear
and hope that we can find a way
to make these memories all but fade
no matter where life takes us
no matter what shakes us
no matter where we stand
as lovers or as friends
I don't want to see the end
so where we walk through the bends
lets remember what we've spent
and just maybe we can make this be
in moments of simplicity
something worth living for.

©Nicole DeRoy 2015.

Love and Life are Peculiar Concepts

I don't even know what I'm doing. 

Ever. 

I try not to think too much into how I live my daily life because thinking is all I ever seem to do anyways and the act of living seems to be my only escape.

Hell, even when I write, when I paint, when I draw, when I indulge in other distractions, I stop mid way to think.

And I don't even care that I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't care about much of anything anymore.

I don't care about most things, all I want is to experience, to have fun, to exist.

I might be a masochist.

I might be chasing death by living fast.

I don't think about consequence, I just think about what I want in the moment and fulfill my reality.

I've discovered that planning ahead or wanting certain things to work out a certain way only breeds complete disappointment, anger, frustration, sadness, weakness, depression, anxiety, and it all begins with that danger of thinking too deeply into the future.

Nothing is certain.
Nothing is real.
Nothing exists unless you make it exist. 
Nothing is what it seems.

So I don't care.

If it makes me feel good in the moment I'm going to do it.
If it makes me happy for the short run I'm going to roll with it.
If it makes me feel alive, I'm going to let it.

Because this life is too short and too quick and death is impending and I don't wanna worry about any of it.

I don't want to worry about the inevitable.

I don't want to worry about anything for that matter.

I just want to be.

and I just want you to "be" ...
with me.

© Nicole DeRoy 2015

Doors

I feel like everyone puts too much emphasis on defining life and defining a meaning to our narrow existence. 

Definitions only complicate the simplest things. Let's take a door.. How should I define the word door..?

Nah let's not, that's boring. 

It's simple. There's nothing to complicate...

You simply open the door and it explains itself. 

Let's just open our lives and stop being complicated.

To write is to fear words

A year ago I would have told you that I've been searching for inspiration, looking for that next whirlwind to throw me into something overwhelmingly expressive; yet I never would have imagined that what I would encounter less than a week ago, was that thing.

I've been trying to be strong by attempting to drown myself in daily comic relief and by keeping my life moving forward. Yet here I am again at fucking four o' clock in the morning deeply in thought as I realize that the momentum I've been pushing through with is all because you've lost your life, and I feel it's only right that I push forward with mine, if only for the sake of allowing the memory of you to breathe since your lungs have ceased to do so.

What you're reading now isn't even close to what I've scared myself from writing down. It doesn't even hold a candle as a vigil. I don't know when I'll be comfortable to share it yet I know something musically is going to follow and I have no choice in that matter if I plan on moving forward.

There's something about the subconscious...

There's something about the inner desires of a person when something tragic happens...

There's something about expression that can nearly scare you to death when it comes from such a deep, recessed and dark place.

I'm only remaining vague because of the sentiment and fragile nature of the matter, out of deep respect and love, and I pray that everything works out okay.

You will always be in my thoughts and your memory will live on forever through your loved ones and I'm so sorry that there was nothing more that I could do.

I don't want this to haunt me, so writing about it is all I can do...

Life /līf/ (noun) - a perpetual disaster

Is life only worth living once you've made poor choices to learn from?

There's moments in time where you face what seems to be a never ending montage of unfortunate events, and lately that's been the driving force in my day to day.

Less than ten days ago I was feeling on top of the world for the first time in years. I was happily cruising through my day to day and doing what made me feel good whenever I wanted and what made me feel alive whenever I needed it.

"Just go with it."

That was my mantra over the past 6 weeks.

"Just go with it."

It's still haunting me. 

I'm dealing with an inner battle daily just to keep it going, because it's the only thing that seems to make sense anymore. 

I got my ass handed to me again, this time even worse than before; yet in a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances. I turned my own life upside down because I felt I could get away with anything, that I could do anything, be anything, become anything, and live like nothing else matters. 

The struggle that is facing me is keeping that attitude going when everything I know gets stripped from me. 

I've been catapulted out of my comfort zone and in my darkest hours on no sleep for 3 straight days I made poor choices in trying to handle moving on. Lack of sleep breeds lack of judgement, and lack of judgement breeds preying on those who've been trying to help you out to the point where you don't realize you're putting strain and stress on the ones you care about who are trying to care for you back, be there for you, and do what they can for you.

It's been awkward. 

An awkward month reduced to an awkward week reduced to an awkward day and an awkward series of moments within that day. With each reduction it seemed to be getting better and better but it was just an avalanche of awkwardness snowballing into itself until it got so big it rolled off the edge and exploded into nothing but debris and powder.

Do we sometimes mistake awkwardness for awesomeness? Or do we simply get so caught up in the moment that any awkwardly awesome interaction becomes a dreamy haze waiting for the air to clear and open itself up to reality again?

Lost

No idea where to go from here. 

I'm wandering aimlessly through my day to day. Nothing planned, nothing warranting a clear direction.

It's always circles, like a merry go round that refuses to let you off, like a dark dense mass that holds you so close that you've lost yourself. Lost the freedom and will to succeed, the freedom to lead, to live and to love without a clouded mind.

We're told we are the masters of our own destiny. As if stolen from the grips of the mocking fortune cookie that you beg to scoff at due to irony, but the reality that surrounds me swirls around like a category 5 ready to sweep me away forever to a place where I cannot harm myself anymore, to a place where I can simply exist.

If only I were so lucky...

Response to Russell Brand on Voting

If you haven't seen it yet, please do.

Russell Brand had an interview in which he had spoke on as to why he chooses not to vote (I mean let's be real he's not an American citizen anyways so I'm sure that's got part to do with it but I digress).

You may watch the video here.

"I don't get my authority from this preexisting paradigm which is quite narrow and only serves a few people."
"I look elsewhere for alternatives that might be of service to humanity."

I have to agree with most of what he speaks of, at least on the level of having similar interests in mind for the planet and humanity as a whole and for stopping power of the corporate lobbyists and corporate agendas. Don't get me wrong that's a major issue here with the powers being held by the few, while the majority of the population trods along with the illusion that they have a choice, being spoon fed whatever is needed to pump their brains full of false ideas and ideals through television.

OBEY

But alas, I lost Russell at the point of the interview where he falls upon extreme taxation as the "solution to all the problems of the world."

I get the point, it looks good on paper (as it ALWAYS does), it keeps bad corporations from "retaining control" by controlling the money supply, but how can something like that be regulated? It will hurt an honest person at some point who worked hard through many years of dedication to become wealthy and who may have no political gain in the matter. (We could even use Russell as an example)

Taxation is like playing nanny to humanity, as if having no faith in the goodwill of people. We can't have a revolution and put more power in the governments' hands to continue to tax and regulate business! That's the exact OPPOSITE of a revolution! You're not putting power in the people's hands that way. 

I find it funny, it's pretty typical of an English man to want high taxation!

No taxation without representation.

Democracy fails in large populations. You can argue that this "high taxation" is represented of the population voted by the people (yet we're all praising Russell's ideal of not voting). Clearly democracy is failing and is better designed for less dense populations where you are more fairly representing the will of the people. 

In a democracy of 10 people, when 6 vote against 4, you're only harming 4 people. Even in harming that 40% equivalent of 4 people, those 4 people are more apt to have a dialog with the other 6 in order to make sure they're not being taken advantage of. In a democracy of 10,000, that same 60% - 40% split instead harms 4,000 people, and in our current DOCUMENTED US Population of over 315  MILLION people, you're VOTING against the FREE WILL of 126 MILLION, where these 126 million people have almost no say in the matter, and the wishes of the 99% are being swept under the rug of the 1%. (Please.. do not correlate my 99-1% with the "I am the 99%" bullshit, it's merely a feasible example.)


So here we are...


Lest we forget that the power of people is held when government has little to do with anything? If a particular corporation is causing a monopolized, power hungry, greedy agenda, we CAN organize and boycott that corporation and take them down from the inside out instead of creating a middleman to exploit the innocent. Even if only that 40% does not support the wills of the corporation, that would be 126 MILLION voices, in power in numbers acting out the wishes and actions of their voices and not just putting it on paper to get scoffed at.

That's what the revolution needs to be, to destroy the overbearing hand of what our government is now resembling of the British monarchical system that we fought to be free from in the first place, not to revert further into it.

Just because someone is charismatic and uses above average vernacular doesn't make their ideas better than yours. 

We've got to be critical, we've got to keep thinking, we can't just buy into the ideals of another individual because we identify PARTLY (if any) with what they're saying and then switch "Off" and ignore the rest of their plan.

Don't you want to have the voice for yourself? 

Don't vote, act.

Don't listen, think.

Don't allow any more of your earnings get STOLEN from you in order to support a bullshit BIG GOVERNMENT.

Don't listen to a Brit, we seceded from them in the first place for these exact problems that we're facing today.