I don't even know what I'm doing.
Ever.
I try not to think too much into how I live my daily life because thinking is all I ever seem to do anyways and the act of living seems to be my only escape.
Hell, even when I write, when I paint, when I draw, when I indulge in other distractions, I stop mid way to think.
And I don't even care that I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't care about much of anything anymore.
I don't care about most things, all I want is to experience, to have fun, to exist.
I might be a masochist.
I might be chasing death by living fast.
I don't think about consequence, I just think about what I want in the moment and fulfill my reality.
I've discovered that planning ahead or wanting certain things to work out a certain way only breeds complete disappointment, anger, frustration, sadness, weakness, depression, anxiety, and it all begins with that danger of thinking too deeply into the future.
Nothing is certain.
Nothing is real.
Nothing exists unless you make it exist.
Nothing is what it seems.
So I don't care.
If it makes me feel good in the moment I'm going to do it.
If it makes me happy for the short run I'm going to roll with it.
If it makes me feel alive, I'm going to let it.
Because this life is too short and too quick and death is impending and I don't wanna worry about any of it.
I don't want to worry about the inevitable.
I don't want to worry about anything for that matter.
I just want to be.
and I just want you to "be" ...
with me.
© Nicole DeRoy 2015
Showing posts with label just go with it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label just go with it. Show all posts
Friday, January 2, 2015
Monday, May 5, 2014
Life /līf/ (noun) - a perpetual disaster
Is life only worth living once you've made poor choices to learn from?
There's moments in time where you face what seems to be a never ending montage of unfortunate events, and lately that's been the driving force in my day to day.
Less than ten days ago I was feeling on top of the world for the first time in years. I was happily cruising through my day to day and doing what made me feel good whenever I wanted and what made me feel alive whenever I needed it.
"Just go with it."
That was my mantra over the past 6 weeks.
"Just go with it."
It's still haunting me.
I'm dealing with an inner battle daily just to keep it going, because it's the only thing that seems to make sense anymore.
I got my ass handed to me again, this time even worse than before; yet in a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances. I turned my own life upside down because I felt I could get away with anything, that I could do anything, be anything, become anything, and live like nothing else matters.
The struggle that is facing me is keeping that attitude going when everything I know gets stripped from me.
I've been catapulted out of my comfort zone and in my darkest hours on no sleep for 3 straight days I made poor choices in trying to handle moving on. Lack of sleep breeds lack of judgement, and lack of judgement breeds preying on those who've been trying to help you out to the point where you don't realize you're putting strain and stress on the ones you care about who are trying to care for you back, be there for you, and do what they can for you.
It's been awkward.
An awkward month reduced to an awkward week reduced to an awkward day and an awkward series of moments within that day. With each reduction it seemed to be getting better and better but it was just an avalanche of awkwardness snowballing into itself until it got so big it rolled off the edge and exploded into nothing but debris and powder.
Do we sometimes mistake awkwardness for awesomeness? Or do we simply get so caught up in the moment that any awkwardly awesome interaction becomes a dreamy haze waiting for the air to clear and open itself up to reality again?
There's moments in time where you face what seems to be a never ending montage of unfortunate events, and lately that's been the driving force in my day to day.
Less than ten days ago I was feeling on top of the world for the first time in years. I was happily cruising through my day to day and doing what made me feel good whenever I wanted and what made me feel alive whenever I needed it.
"Just go with it."
That was my mantra over the past 6 weeks.
"Just go with it."
It's still haunting me.
I'm dealing with an inner battle daily just to keep it going, because it's the only thing that seems to make sense anymore.
I got my ass handed to me again, this time even worse than before; yet in a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances. I turned my own life upside down because I felt I could get away with anything, that I could do anything, be anything, become anything, and live like nothing else matters.
The struggle that is facing me is keeping that attitude going when everything I know gets stripped from me.
I've been catapulted out of my comfort zone and in my darkest hours on no sleep for 3 straight days I made poor choices in trying to handle moving on. Lack of sleep breeds lack of judgement, and lack of judgement breeds preying on those who've been trying to help you out to the point where you don't realize you're putting strain and stress on the ones you care about who are trying to care for you back, be there for you, and do what they can for you.
It's been awkward.
An awkward month reduced to an awkward week reduced to an awkward day and an awkward series of moments within that day. With each reduction it seemed to be getting better and better but it was just an avalanche of awkwardness snowballing into itself until it got so big it rolled off the edge and exploded into nothing but debris and powder.
Do we sometimes mistake awkwardness for awesomeness? Or do we simply get so caught up in the moment that any awkwardly awesome interaction becomes a dreamy haze waiting for the air to clear and open itself up to reality again?
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