Voting the Lesser of Two Evils, and why it's Moot

When certain concerns were raised by a peer when I asked "What of Trumps policies are so inherently terrible that many feel no other viable option but to vote for Biden, where Biden would not be equally awful?"

These are my answers to each of their concerns, whether it be overturning Roe v Wade, the EPA, Immigration and rights of marginalized groups of people, voting, freedom of press at risk, gun rights and regulations, etc.

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"For starters, I'm pro-choice. There will be one, maybe two SCOTUS judges appointed to lifetime seats on the bench by the next POTUS. If it's Trump, those judges will be selected based explicitly on the understanding that they will strike down Roe v. Wade when the opportunity arises. If it's Biden, we may be able to secure women's right to dictate what they do with their own bodies for another generation."

I too, am pro-choice, on everything, for everyone regarding their bodies. The government should never have acquired the power to make these decisions for constituents in the first place. 

June 29, 2020, “While the ruling does not signal that abortion is safe at the Supreme Court, it’s a message that anti-abortion advocates cannot simply expect the Court to reverse abortion rights just because conservative justices now dominate the bench.” Moreover “Although Trump’s appointments have shifted the Court in many significant ways, this case is a sign that the institution cannot be rapidly transformed to meet the political needs of the current administration.” And also ““We can’t just assume that because we have a conservative majority, the right will always win.”” (The Atlantic https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/06/supreme-court-abortion-trump/613642/)

It is not legally possible to actually overturn Roe v. Wade and IMO has become a major scare tactic of the DNC to keep voters in Stockholm Syndrome. This is also, on Trumps side of his campaign, a form of gaslighting his own supporters into continuing to fight for him based on their religious ideologies. This will never hold up in court, and will always be found unconstitutional. We need to stop worrying about this. It will not happen. Presidents are notorious for empty promises. Alternatively, the Democrats and Joe Biden will continue to slash away at rights for people to make their own medical choices, as we're already seeing through the vehicle that is the Coronavirus pandemic. Charlie Baker just made it mandatory for the seasonal flu vaccine to be mandatory for all students uneless they can acquire medical or religious exemptions. The CDC already has a stronghold on doctors and many are constantly living in fear of having their licenses revoked for providing medical exemptions, even in cases where patients had already once gone to court from being injured by a vaccine in their history. It baffles me that people on the left scream loud and clear about “What about abortion?” when that right has been secured by Roe v Wade and deemed constitutional, but are silent when it comes to the right to choose for vaccination. Making the flu vaccine mandatory on any account is a huge disservice to giving people the right to choose when it comes to their health, their bodies, and their wellbeing. Making a vaccine for a mutational virus, with a 5% effective rate is wrong on so many levels. Informed consent is paramount and the potential Biden administration will lead to monopolizing government power over healthcare and continuing to slash these rights. “The right to choose” needs to be applied to ALL bodies, ALL the time. Therefore, I believe that electing Biden will be more dangerous for our “right to choose” especially as they pave the way for making a DNA altering, void of proper testing, COVID vaccine mandatory. Which is more dangerous to the most people?

"I also believe the 99.9% of scientists who agree that climate change is real and caused by humans. I am against the rollback of EPA regulations that allows companies to destroy our environment—regulations that in some cases even the companies themselves are against rollbacks on. Biden, though it doesn't appear he will go far enough, will move us in the right direction on climate and environmental policy."

This is a whole other beast. The answer is to stop government and corporations from obtaining the power to make these decisions which harm our environment in the first place. Vox has a very thorough article (https://www.vox.com/2019/5/28/18634602/joe-biden-2020-climate-change-announcement) about Biden's history in climate change activism and even during his time in the White House alongside Obama, their talk was big, but actions were not. “In 2015, he said that fighting climate change was “the single most important thing” he and Obama could do in the White House. Ahead of the United Nations meeting to finalize the Paris climate agreement in 2015, Biden gave several speeches highlighting US progress in fighting climate change and calling for more aggressive action. 

But during the same time, the Obama administration did little to thwart the growth of fossil fuels in the United States. Obama presided over the largest expansion of natural gas production in US history, lifted the 40-year-old crude oil export ban, licensed liquefied natural gas export terminals, and openly boasted about low gas prices. “

I often wonder, what is preventing clean energy? People are putting solar panels on their houses at all time highs, Elon Musk's vehicles are becoming more popular and will become more accessible as the market grows, but what is stopping this progress when we have the technology? Big government bureaucrats and lobbyists in energy industries. For example, national grid provides a “discounted rate” for electricity if you spend thousands on their solar panels, providing you a “pay over time” reduction on your rate, as you pay for the panels. Once they're paid off, you still have to pay an electric bill, why? They're exploiting consumers by using their houses to collect solar energy and feeding it back into the grid. Say you want to take your newly paid off 20 year old solar panels and directly power your home, you go to jail. It's illegal, because big energy companies like National Grid have lobbyists and a monopoly on the market. Bring solar panels to the free market, and let people produce their own power. Now talking about vehicles and fossil fuels, what is actually going to solve that problem? Not the Green New Deal, not by a long shot. They don't even have a clue how to budget such an overhaul and it would be the most expensive feat in our American history, and not for nothing we're already 26 Trillion in debt and counting, we do not have the funds, we do not have the means. It is a sad truth from the government needlessly spending our money friviously over the last 100 years. As much as I support the IDEA I have yet to see any evidence of how it will work without completely crippling us in the process. Look at Flint, Michigan. The government often hurts whom they're trying to help. When the water crisis emerged the EPA failed to act, despite residents and the NRDC petitioning for action. In the biggest water crisis in our history, the Agency directly responsible did nothing. It wasn't until November the NEXT YEAR (2016) when courts ruled bottle water become available to all residents. If the Government and the EPA can't even take action in one city, what basis do we think they can handle a complete reconstruction without destroying everything in the process? All that aside, Trump wants to dissolve the EPA and bring regulations down to the State level to decide, which will become a nightmare for companies that are located in multiple states across the country, who are currently under compliance of EPA procedures. That being said, companies that fall under this category would end up being subject to a wide spectrum of varying regulations and it will become a nightmare to manage in compliance departments. The way the EPA currently interferes with this creates a baseline for regulations to keep things more streamlined, allowing states to add additional restrictions as needed. Businesses will not allow for this to dissolve, they will use their power to uphold EPA funding because it makes it easier to run their businesses, so honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Trump says a lot of things. Presidents say a lot of things. They have so much less power than we attribute to them.

"I believe that everyone should be able to vote. I believe this is the most critical part of our democracy. Data overwhelmingly shows that when more people vote, the results skew in favor of democrats. As a result, it has become the GOP policy to suppress the vote. Any policy that makes it harder for people to vote is, in my opinion, un-Constitutional and un-American."

I agree with you, and sure Trump is attempting to block mail in voting by threatening the USPS, but Democrats are also fighting tooth and nail to discourage people from voting with whom aligns with their convictions, continuing voter suppression. Anyone whom supports the duopoly, is encouraging voter suppression. Anyone whom tells anyone their vote is a “waste” is encouraging voter suppression. Our democracy was not designed to “pick which of the two evils you think will win and hurt Americans less” but to give a voice to the individual and allow them to represent their views through whichever candidate they think will represent their voice, and Biden nor Trump represent my voice, and they can not scare me into voting for either.

"I believe in the Freedom of the Press. An Independent Press is one of the most critical elements to the survival of a democracy. A POTUS who actively works to undermine the free press (however biased you or I may think they are), is one who is attempting to silence criticism—and it is the first step of every dictator in the history of human civilization."

This goes both ways, both parties suppress free speech and the press. The left is censoring at record highs, and Democrat Governors left and right are saying who can and who cannot protest, who can and cannot assemble, who can and who cannot exercise their rights, solely based on what the subject is. It's bullshit, and neither party are supporting freedom of the press, so voting Biden isn't going to correct that.

"As a gun owner, I believe in common-sense gun laws. We license people to drive. We restrict people from owning tanks or other high-power artillery. It's not unreasonable to want universal background checks and to close loopholes on private gun sales. 2A is part of the Constitution, and I support it—but it was also written at a time when guns were single shot muzzle-loading rifles, and the idea that we can pick and choose which areas of the Constitution that we consider in the context of modern times and those we don't is one that is being sold to us by lobbyists to protect highly specified and incredibly convenient interpretations of Constitutional language."

I am in the process of obtaining my own firearms and I primarily agree with you, I do not see any harm in doing background checks, provided they are not discretionary based on who is doing them. That being said there are many issues with the ATF and the NRA and they are NOT keeping the average gun owners best interests in mind. We need to abolish the ATF, and stop propagating fear over firearms and start making them more approachable, and accessible, and available. The Left does nothing to help minorities with their second amendment rights, and will continue to discriminate. I do not see Biden and Kamala Harris doing anything to help minorities, they collectively both wrote , enforced, and put these people into jail, giving them nonviolent criminal records in which they are now unable to obtain firearms under these regulations. This is just another reason to vote for a 3^rd party candidate such as Jo Jorgensen who will not only repeal unjust laws, expunge records, and end the ATF, while also encouraging removing the stigmas of gun ownership and getting more Americans trained and armed appropriately.

"I support LGBTQ+ people, people of all races, religions, and ethnicities, and so I do not support the xenophobic policies enacted by the Trump administration to marginalize non-white, non-Christian, non cis/straight Americans. There are many areas where he's rolled back rights for groups of people based on who they are or what they believe in. Or for the sole crime of wanting a better life. Just as an example, I don't think taking a punitive approach to immigration is in keeping with American values. People seeking asylum, fleeing violence and oppression, should be given a home here. People who were brought here as children through no choice of their own should not spend every waking hour wondering if they're going to be sent "back" to some country they've never known, where they don't know anyone, and/or could face violent retribution if they are sent there."

I agree, America was found on immigration and we need to reform immigration policies to make it easier to become a citizen, allow these people to vote, and not face criminal charges just for existing beyond a border. Joe Biden helped build the exact system in Trump's hands to deport immigrants, detain them, and make them criminal. Moreover, when Obama was in office he requested nearly $500 million and sent over 1200 additional troops to the border after being asked for more federal resources to be present at the border (Reuters https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-mexico-border/obama-sending-1200-troops-to-mexico-border-idUSTRE64O5RE20100525).

Biden also has a conflicting history on immigration policies. In the 80s he was admittedly pro immigration rights, but when the 90s came he pretty much flip flopped, becoming one of Janet Reno's biggest cheerleaders under the Clinton administration. In 1995 he also “voted for Bob Dole's Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act  (AEDPA), broadsiding Habeus Corpus” which “ the law for the first time put into action now-commonplace fast-track deportations and mandatory detention of immigrants convicted of even minor drug crimes, and it expanded the use of indefinite detention for some noncitizens.” (Jacobin Mag https://www.jacobinmag.com/2019/04/joe-biden-anti-immigrant-deportation-policies) He also voted for the Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act of 1996 (IIRIRA). All of his actions in the Senate during the 90s did more irreparable damage to immigrants and laid the path for the exact problems we're facing today. He cannot be trusted to be accountable to take actions in reversing any of this, especially considering the actions more recently under the Obama Administration.

We need to reopen systems modeled after Ellis Island and make it easier for those who want to come here to do so, repeal the harsh immigration laws, provide amnesty, and release them from jail, instead of spending taxpayer dollars on ICE and detaining these people. We need to be in favor of candidates whom will help reduce the prison industrial complex, and Biden and Harris are NOT those people. Harris has singlehandedly put thousands of minorities in jail for weed. I don't see how they're a “better alternative” whatsoever.

"I do not believe in tax cuts that benefit the wealthy and large corporations. The concept of Trickle Down Economics has been pushed for decades and we have seen decades of evidence that it does not work. The economy is stimulated by consumers consuming, and they need cash for that. The wealthy and corporations take any surplus money and invest it, which removes it from the economy rather than acting to stimulate the economy. I do not think taxes are evil, I think we need to spend them in places that actually help the people who pay them for a change. I think policies of cutting funding for education are abhorrent, and counter-productive to growing a better nation and a better member of the world community."

I agree. What we need to do is cut taxes at the Federal level, preferably a flat tax, and close loopholes for businesses. People like Jeff Bezos pay themselves a small annual salary of $80k, drastically reducing his taxes. Most of Amazon's capital is tied up in stocks and bonds, where they cannot be taxed. Instead, the middle class gets slighted by every single tax increase that has ever existed, taking more of their salary, and putting it into government hands where they can spend it inefficiently. We need to cut taxes across the board, especially for the working class. Biden will not do that, he will raise taxes for all, broadening the wage gap. Taxes across the board, even at the state level, are bloated and spent in the wrong places. We need to cut federal spending, but we also need to cut the deficit. What can we do? How can we avoid businesses looking for tax cuts and loopholes? Flat tax. Even a small percentage of a massive corporation will go a long way, with no loopholes. A small percentage for the working class will keep more in our wallets, and allow us to put it back into our communities. 

The hope the Democratic party sells is on borrowed time. They're even better at politics than the Republicans, and are capable of holding their tight grip on Americans looking for a better future and drum up empty promises. People are looking for compassion, they're looking for a better life, they're looking for a step in the right direction, but the Democratic party does everything to keep us right where we are. I have not seen any evidence suggesting otherwise. Our poorest urban communities have been in the hands of the Democrats for decades. They have the highest levels of poverty and crime in our country. They are absolutely not a “better option”, but more a set of rose colored glasses for the future of our children. They will continue to take and spend and line their own pockets, they will continue to slowly creep into our lives and strip us of our liberties, keeping us held hostage to their ruse of compassion, until there's nothing left. We're seeing it happen before our eyes, they're taking our rights away one by one under this International health crisis, destroying our economy, breaking our legs then giving us crutches that they paid for with money they stole from us, then blaming the other party. I'm fucking fed up and its not time to “vote the lesser of two evils” its time to stand the fuck up in unity and take our country back.

Disrupt the Disruption

dis·rup·tion

/disˈrəpSH(ə)n/

noun

disturbance or problems which interrupt an event, activity, or process.

"700,000 pigs unable to be processed every week" (Reuters)

700,000

Every week. 

Because restaurant closures disrupted the supply chain. Because regulations make it difficult for farmers to quickly and efficiently change their distribution to grocers. Farmers falling ill, new generations of animals about to be born, processing and meat packing is backed up, and farmers do not have the resources to have twice the amount of animals on hand.

Shut down has absolutely, without question, had a broad reach beyond anything we can fathom, and the fallout is going to be DISASTROUS.

1) our healthcare system was not properly equipped to handle this pandemic and so

2) our entire country is probably going to collapse from the means of containment.

We need to keep the spread at bay, but we are also facing mass poverty, famine and dozens of other major issues as a direct result, which is WHY we need to get the wheels turning to a degree. 

We will absolutely decline as a whole if we do not. I don't know about you, but I don't want to end up having my home at risk of being looted for resources.

It doesn't stop there, though. 

People who use WIC and SNAP will likely no longer being able to put enough food on their tables with the fall of factory farming industry. Sadly because these factory farmers are the only affordable options under those programs. Literally everything is slighting the lower class.

One solution I can come up with: 

Find your local farmers and butchers, buy local and direct if you can afford to. Help them move their products and help relieve them of the pressure to distribute, and also allow the underprivileged to have access to their only option.

Step it up everyone, disrupt the disruption. We can do this together.

P.S. EDITED WITH UPDATE 05-14-2020

I find it inherently interesting that this article was published IN FEBRUARY... "Before" the outbreak.

“The secretary knows that only when America’s cattle producers are financially distressed will they acquiesce to government mandates that infringe on their freedoms to choose how they will produce their cattle. The strategic use of cheaper, undifferentiated imports from Brazil and Africa will cause that financial distress by destabilizing the U.S. cattle market."

V is for Vigilance

vig·i·lance

/ˈvijələns/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. the action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.

   
   

   
   

   *****

   
   

   I've been having a really hard time lately. I've been struggling with my chronic illness flaring up and taking a toll on my ability to be positive that what is happening across the globe is simply about a virus. I've been taking a real hard critical look at the way things are unfolding, how information is changing, where these sources are coming from, what is and isn't being censored, what is and isn't being prioritized by the Mainstream Media.

   
   

   Since day one, I felt things were not right. My gut has never EVER steered me wrong. I've had to trust it in so many ways that the average person has never trusted their gut before. I've lived so much and experienced so much and my experience is the only thing I can put my trust into. 

   
   

   When I was young I started my journey with chronic illness. I was let down by dozens of doctors, nearly hundreds of trips to the hospital, over and over and over again. Nothing was right. There were never any answers.

   
   

   I attended Rhode Island College in 2005. I was majoring in Biology with a minor in Chemistry. I was in the honors program for my Chemistry courses. After one semester in class, my chemistry professor linked me up with another professor who was conducting biochem research in manipulating DNA in E.Coli cells to study if and how it is possible to take these cells, remove the portion of the DNA structure that was mutated and caused disease, and replace it with healthy recombinant DNA.

   
   

   We were really onto something cool. I was studying under Dr. Karen Almeida, who completed her postdoc at Brown University. I was her second intern. The first one was graduating. I ended up taking over laboratory operations. I was running assays and putting in my own theories to be tested and was collaborating with this research. We ended up hiring 2 more of my classmates, and I ended up training them and mentoring them on the research we were conducting. Dr. Almeida was more behind the scenes, I was running the biochem laboratory at 19 years old.

   
   

   That following fall semester we took our research findings to Cornell to present in an undergraduate research conference. The lab work started taking priority over my classwork, and my grades began to slip. I was carrying a 3.8 GPA up until this point while working in the lab 20 hours a week on top of full time classwork and labs.

   
   

   I also started getting sick again. My timeline is slightly off with this story, but I ended up having some bloodwork done at UMass Medical in Worcester after I fell really ill at one point, I think I was 18 when it happened, it was right before I started college. They found that I had antibodies produced against my own white blood cells, meaning, my body was attacking my own defense system. I have Autoimmune neutropenia. My white blood cell count was dangerously low, I could die if I caught another infection. I had to go on GCSF, which stands for granulocyte colony stimulating factor. It was a natural hormone that stimulates production of white blood cells in your bone marrow. When your bone marrow is on overdrive, it fucking HURTS MAN. Can I tell you it HURTS. You feel the insides of your bones. This was in addition to my already idiopathic inflammatory bowel disease (because the cause of inflammation was never found). 

   
   

   Back to relapsing and getting sick in college...

   
   

   My lab work started slipping, I couldn't do it all. I started missing classes because I didn't feel well. I started getting criticized for not getting my work in the lab done. I got to a point that I didn't want to do it anymore. It was no longer serving me. I quit.

   
   

   I quit Biology. I couldn't stand to be criticized for things that were beyond my control. As much as I loved biology and loved research it wasn't a good fit for me and my needs. 

   
   

   I changed my major to Art. I felt I could be more in control of my future if I was an artist. I felt that I could find a way to make my work on my own schedule, on my own timeline.

   
   

   I quickly got bored with classes. I got bored with technique. I was excelling in figure drawing and charcoal and wasn't receiving anything constructive that would help me grow. I was already nearly 50k in debt. I dropped out.

   
   

   I picked my guitar back up, picked up my notebook, started writing, started being a musician again. I chased that dream for several years all the way to Los Angeles and studied an Independent Artist curriculum at Musician's Institute. I learned, more than anything, that I don't need education to be an artist, that I don't need a record deal, or a following, that I didn't like the spotlight after all, that I didn't like the politics, the schmoozing, the manipulation. I wanted nothing to do with it. I came back east and essentially quit music. I played for myself, for that's what truly made me happy.

   
   

   I had been working service jobs continually through all of this since I was in high school. The struggles I had trying to move across the country with $500 in my pocket and a beat up Ford Focus that broke down, and the struggles I faced coming back home, really helped shape who I am. It was far from easy. It was beyond humbling. My ego was checked at a young age. It was an $80,000 life lesson. My student loan debt has been dictating my life ever since.

   
   

   When I moved back east, I made a huge move that I needed and got myself out of a toxic relationship. I moved in with my mother while I got back on my feet. I started working in Boston and started partying with my colleagues. I started drinking too much. I got a DUI one night when I had asked the guy I was sleeping with at the time if I could crash with him that I had too much. He told me no so he could go see another woman. I was blackout. I don't remember any of this. It's all from what I was told by those I was with. He even admitted that he refused to take my keys later on. He watched me get in my car and drive off. I was lucky to be alive the next morning. 

   
   

   Several weeks later, my mother and I went out to dinner with her live in boyfriend at the time. We came home, I started playing guitar on the carpet in the living room. I was playing Blue in the Face by Alkaline Trio and was interrupted mid verse by a frantic rapping at the door. 

   
   

   "Help! Help! Someone help me! Help me!"

   
   

   It was our neighbor Stephanie. We all followed after here next door into their home. She was frantic, hysterical, couldn't speak. Her boyfriend, Andrew, was laying on the floor between the half bathroom and the kitchen in a pool of his own bright red blood, breathing a shallow gasping breath. My mother being a nurse immediately got down by his side and grabbed a rag off the counter and tried to stop the bleeding. He had peen punctured in his neck. Stephanie had a phone in her hand trying to call the police, not capable of speaking, I ended up taking the phone and giving them the address and that I knew he was bleeding to death. I ran over because my mother was screaming for me to help him, to raise his legs to help return blood flow to his brain. I looked into his eyes and froze. My eyes scanned the bathroom in front of me and a paring knife was laying on the vanity. I looked once more into Andrews eyes, speechless, helpless, it consumed me. I was speechless and helpless. I saw him breathe one last shallow breath. Breathing ceased. He was gone. I heard crying from the stairs behind me. It was Stephanie's 11 year old daughter, discovering what the fuss was all about downstairs. She had been scared, upstairs in her room. What seemed like an hour was only a matter of seconds. She screamed and ran upstairs, and all I could do is follow her and be there with her. My shoes were tainted in Andrew's blood and it followed me up the stairs. Shortly the police and paramedics arrived. 

   
   

   We answered our questions and went down to the station to provide witness statements. We got home and had to shut our curtains. The news reporters were outside, continually rapping at our door. We denied answering to them. All night long we had to hide away and none of us could sleep. We were being harassed by the media. 

   
   

   We ended up having to testify at trial, and after that our lives slowly resumed back to "normal" but we were never normal again. I coped by compartmentalizing and washing it down with alcohol. I moved to the city shortly after, I couldn't be in that house anymore. I've urged my mother to do the same and to get help and get out of that house and she's still there, 6 years later. 

   
   

   *****

   
   

   As my life adjusted, I started reevaluating my plan. I smoked a lot of weed and drank a lot of whisky. I started painting again.

   
   

   *****

   
   

   I had a few different jobs over that course of time, but when I got fired at one for having unaddressed mental health issues and lack of support and a trigger from another individual in the company who refused to acknowledge my requests, in addition to unlimited amounts of free alcohol, I spiraled. I realized I needed help and sought talk therapy. I tried to save my job. I was on weekly check ins with new "acting HR" because the company was growing and started having investors getting involved, people who didn't know me, my work ethic, or my history, were making decisions on my employment status. I had contracted Scabies at work and another colleague was having similar symptoms, yet was refusing to get treated. I tried having HR have my back on this, that we worked in close quarters with one another and among thousands of people from the public every week, in a busy, booming, popular brewery taproom. My roommate started ganging up against me and got my landlord harassing me, thinking I brought bed bugs into the apartment when I told her I was having skin problems before I was diagnosed. They forced me to move out between Christmas and New Years, to find a new place to live with weeks notice. Everything around me was failing me. I ended up finding a sublet in a Boston College Student complex. I moved on New Years Eve at 2 in the morning with the help of a friend after working a long busy week at the brewery. I had a endoscopy and colonoscopy scheduled to check in on my idiopathic inflammatory bowel disease. I was fired shortly after.

   
   

   *****

   
   

   I realized I couldn't be at the mercy of anyone else. I needed to be self sufficient in order to survive in this world. Between chronic illness and mental illness, the system is against us. I had been creating sign artwork at the brewery this whole time, and had several colleagues tell me "You should be a tattoo artist". I decided to finally, once in for all, take over and right then and there, I decided to put real effort into my artwork and start preparing to find a tattoo apprenticeship. I always admired my tattoo artists, always envied their ability to have freedom over their schedule, their travel, their clientele. I was fed up with working hard for someone else's gain. I had medical treatment for the scabies, and started developing neurological problems shortly after. 

   
   

   It took me months to finally gather the courage to start exploring these new feelings I was experiencing. I had weakness in my limbs that would come and go unannounced, I was having neuropathies, I developed a permanent numbness in my left lateral thigh, but despite the numbness if you touch me there its highly sensitive. I had bee sting sensations taking over and coming out of nowhere, electrical shocks sent down my legs that were disruptive enough to stop you in your tracks. My brain stopped thinking so clearly, I was searching for words regularly. That summer the heat brought on new sensations. Pelvic pain and discomfort, like a vice grip was lodged on my pelvic and someone was slowly tightening it. My legs and feet would swell, my hands would swell, then they'd turn blue and my circulation would decrease. I started having arrhythmias and palpitations. I never had them before. As time went on it got worse and worse. Hot flashes one minute to chills the next. I was told to see neurology.

   
   

   My first neurologist appointment, was with a young neurologist who I can only assume was fresh out of med school, we were around the same age. I had just turned 30. She told me I had a pinched nerve, and to lose weight and wear loose pants. She did bloodwork and saw my vitamin D was low and got me on high doses of vitamin D, but that's all she was good for. I never went back.

   
   

   I told my primary care what happened and that I wanted a second opinion, after seeking consult of a friend of mine who has MS. I was sent to a very kind neurologist at Beth Israel, and tested for an entire workup. I urged for an MRI after all my blood tests came back "normal" including a Lyme screening. We also performed EMG to make sure the numbness in my leg wasn't due to nerve damage. Still everything came back "normal," my pain, once again was "idiopathic."

   
   

   "I'm going to refer you to neuromuscular to evaluate for small fiber neuropathy," he said.

   
   

   I saw the neuromuscular specialist, she continued an exam. We did more bloodwork and completed a nerve biopsy. I had 3 hole punches in my left leg, at my ankle, above the knee, and below the hip. "Everything looks normal, you should seek rheumatology for fibromyalgia." I was given Gabapentin to treat my pain. It hardly took the edge off. I had to slowly increase my dose. I was commuting an hour and a half to work at this point, and was working in service. It was becoming hard to follow a strict dosing schedule, as certain heights in business at work would prevent me from noticing it was time to take my medicine. I started having nasty side effects. The ends weren't justifying the means. I started having panic attacks that I missed a dose, but didn't want to overdose. I would get debilitating migraines if I missed it by 2 hours. It was making me feel worse, my mental health was declining, I couldn't do it anymore. I ended up contacting my PCP to help me wean off it. Withdrawing from gabapentin was worse than my illness, and I had even once experienced trying to have bowel movements with rectal ulcers, which feels like you're shitting razor blades. I turned to CBD and THC, got my medical card and the whole nine. I wasn't going to depend on habit forming pharmaceuticals if they weren't going to do any justice.

   
   

   Meanwhile I've been doing my due diligence and reading scientific papers on all these conditions, learning them, trying to understand them, figuring out to advocate for myself. I discovered my poor circulation was similar to Raynaud's phenomenon. I got a referral to a rheumatologist at Brown so that I didn't have to go to Boston any longer. Advocating for myself was becoming a full time job. I was starting to build confidence in what I was learning about myself. I had to study once more, like I was in Biology class. I'm grateful I have that skillset.

   
   

   I went to my rheumatology appointment, and was in the waiting room longer than I was on the exam table. The doctor belittled everything about me, saying that according to my referral information he didn't have anything he wanted to do with me. He asked me how I have been managing it and I told him I had been using cannabis as therapy. His response was "You need to think about a long term plan. Everyone wants to feel good. What exactly do you want me to do for you anyway." He laughed if off as trusty medicine, when we're in a state that has had a medical marijuana program LONGER THAN CALIFORNIA. This was not new! I told him I wanted to be evaluated, to make sure nothing was getting missed. "There's no tests I want to do on you."

   
   

   I left with my tail between my legs. I was once again, faced with ANOTHER DOCTOR who didn't believe me, who thought I was full of shit. I decided he wasn't worth my time or continued care. I was afraid to find a new doctor. Time and time again I had been spoken down to. No one believed me. No one seemed to care. I was loosing faith in healthcare. I started realizing that they're profiting on keeping people sick, that no one is looking for real reasons to why anyone might feel this way. Not ONCE did I have a doctor ask me how my diet was, what I'm eating, how I'm exercising. Not ONCE. Not ONCE did I have a doctor evaluate my supplemental diet needs. I had already accrued thousands of dollars of medical bills despite having a "very good" insurance plan that I am still paying off to this day, and accruing more debt to, for what? All for nothing, all for having my time and energy wasted, for being poked and prodded and tested and marginalized.

   
   

   I had a friend say over and over again, "Are you sure you don't have Lyme? You do a lot of hiking and camping and it sounds like Lyme." And my answer was always "I've been tested several times and it always comes back negative."

   
   

   Moreover, Lyme disease onset doesn't explain my longterm digestive problems, my inflammation of the bowel (which mind you, every single doctor who I told I have INFLAMMATORY BOWEL DISEASE would always notate that I had IBS. Which is a totally different disease, and I'd have to continually CORRECT them, for them to just ignore what I said and continue to write IBS in their notes). I had more pieces to fix in this puzzle.

   
   

   I was basically exhausted and at a point where I was accepting the fact that I had Fibromyalgia, that we didn't know what was causing it, and that I'd probably never get an answer and be forced to live like this forever.

   
   

   
   

   *****

   
   

   A friend of mine later started a discussion with me about birth control. She started learning about the Fertility Awareness Method and how hormonal birth control is affecting the lives of millions of women negatively and is a disservice to a hormonal health. I started listening carefully, bought the books, did the research. The minute I learned that women on hormonal birth control don't REALLY have a period, that we don't ovulate (it is suppressed), and our own natural hormones are suppressed and replaced by inferior synthetics, that our hormones and our menstrual health is a snapshot of our overall health, I decided right then and there that I needed to get this out of the picture. I wanted a blank slate. I wanted my labs to be clean and honest. I wanted my symptoms to be free of outside influence so I could finally address these things and hopefully start to feel better. 

   
   

   I started charting my cycles. I had already been experiencing excessive spotting in between "periods" even on birth control. I stopped taking birth control and noticed a magnitude of issues become clear in less than a year. It took around 5 months of charting and restoring my natural hormone production, and I began noticing patterns. My periods started getting worse, my spotting was getting WORSE, my luteal phases were short, my follicular phases were long. I had terrible pains during ovulation, and occasionally I would have a period that would force me to stop everything I was doing and manage the pain. It was getting unmanageable. I was suffering, and I was still having pain from my "fibromyalgia".

   
   

   I started taking a hard look at what my hormones were telling me. I started questioning the estrogen dominance, the pain, the bloating, the increasing food intolerances. I had to really start being serious about cutting out gluten and dairy from my diet. This was not easy, I kept relapsing to these food triggers. Sugar did a number on me. Whenever I would cheat and indulge I would pay for it during my period. I started questioning endometriosis. I saw so many parallels, I saw how endometriosis can cause inflammation of the bowel, which I had been experiencing since I was 8 years old. It might have been the answer to so many questions. 

   
   

   I told my PCP about everything, and she has always been a great advocate for me. I'm lucky to have an open minded doctor to support me through my journey. She's the only one whom I essentially haven't "fired" yet. She sent me a referral to OBGYN.

   
   

   I went to that appointment and advocated and was clear and concise in my symptoms and why I feel I might have endometriosis. She was kind and caring and was open to give me care, which was refreshing, but the moment she said "endometriosis is due to back flow menstruation" I started to get worried. The top physicians who are specialists in the field of endometriosis excision surgery see through this old fallacy in cause. They have come to the understanding that these "endometrial like cells" which are cells SIMILAR to those found in the lining of the uterus, end up in places throughout the body that they shouldn't be, which is most likely due to how we develop as fetuses in the womb. Reproductive organs are the first to develop, then every other organ system develops from this group of cells, which is thought to accidentally transplant these cells onto organ systems that they don't belong on. These cells respond similarly to the endometrium to hormones, fluctuating the same way that a woman's menstrual cycle fluctuates, with surges of estrogen and progesterone, and estrogen feeds them. They grow thicker and attempt to "shed" just like the lining during menstruation, but unlike the endometrium lining, have no where to escape to, creating chocolate cysts, lumps, lesions, etc, creating massive amounts of pain and complications on affected organ systems, including but not limited to the bowels, bladder, pancreas, spleen, etc.

   
   

   I was still happy to be at the beginning of this, and this doctor wanted to do an array of ultrasound tests to get a better look. I had already had one done issued by my PCP months earlier and they found "One small fibroid" on the exterior wall of my uterus, inside the pelvic cavity, less than 2 cm, that would be of no cause of my spotting.

   
   

   I later learned that the spotting was caused by my lack of production of progesterone and estrogen dominance, my body is incapable of keeping the lining intact long enough before menstruation happens.

   
   

   Anywho, I went through the testing panel. I had a another type of ultrasound, a hysterosonogram. They fill your uterus with a saline solution to "balloon" it up and smooth it out so they can get a closer look. I was told I should experience a "minor discomfort." HA YEAH RIGHT. I was in so much pain. my entire uterus was ON FIRE. It burned. I felt a wave come over my entire body. I nearly passed out. I can sit through a chest or rib tattoo and hold a conversation. This was NOT "minor discomfort".

   
   

   And yet again, it showed my "perfect uterus" with it's one, small fibroid.

   
   

   When I went in for the follow up the doctor agreed that we could pursue a laparoscopy to look for endometriosis. I was told her office would be reaching out to schedule it.

   
   

   I took confidence in a friend who has been through this situation already and has had several surgeries. She cautioned me to not go to just any OBGYN for the surgery, but to take the time to see someone on the Nancy's Nook list of approved surgeons. Nancy's Nook is an educational resource for women suffering from endometriosis with a strong community of experts who specialize in true excision surgeries and helping restore a relatively normal life to patients through PROPER surgery, physical therapy, and other treatments, based on the scientific and medical discoveries of leading OBGYN's. There is a severe lack of research and funding in endometriosis care which is the main cause of misinformation among the medical community. It affects 1 in every 10 women that they're AWARE of, and is more common of a health condition than both diabetes and hypertension (high blood pressure), yet annually receives substantially less funding in research and field education. This is why it's not recommended to see just "any OBGYN". My friend did, and she was sterilized by her first surgery. Her rectum was cut and her Fallopian tubes "were destroyed" by the surgeon. This is a highly skilled surgery and countless women can testify that when they saw a "non nook doctor" they were left for even worse. 

   
   

   I never heard from Dr. Thomas' nurse to schedule my procedure, and ultimately decided it was worth it to see Dr. Malcolm "Kip" Mackenzie (the most sought after excision specialist in New England). 

   
   

   I made my consultation appointment with Kip in October, 2019. It was scheduled for January 8th, 2020.

   
   

   When I saw him, there was so much care, so much understanding, so much validation, he was so kind and loving and BELIVED everything about my journey. He asked me how I ended up seeking his care, I told him my story, this same medical story I'm outlining for you all here, how I started paying attention, taking an active role in my body and what it has needed, what I went through, the fertility awareness, the charting, noticing my hormonal imbalances, everything.

   
   

   "You're hired," said Kip. "Congratulations, you know more than 80% of the medical community."

   
   

   My work was paying off. I was finally in the hands of someone who believed me, who could help me, who was WILLING and ABLE to help me. 

   
   

   "If we're born with endometriosis, then why don't we experience these symptoms from birth?"

   
   

   "Simple," answered Kip, "the hormones begin firing their engines for 3 years before a woman has their first period. Let me ask you this, when did you have your first period?"

   
   

   "I was 11."

   
   

   "Did you start having your digestive problems at 8 years old?"

   
   

   "Wow, yes, I was going to tell you that when I was 8 years old, I have a vivid memory of being on vacation with my family and I couldn't go to the beach with them, I had to hole up in the hotel for several days because I was having intense abdominal pain, it was at that age that I started telling my parents some mornings that I 'felt like I ate too many pancakes'".

   
   

   I was floored. Even my IDIOPATHIC inflammatory bowel disease was getting explained.

   
   

   I knew I was in the right place, I knew advocating for myself was finally getting me somewhere. I was just about to turn 33 years old and I was finally getting answers for the pain I've been having since I was 8. I have been failed for 25 years by the medical community, the people who call themselves healers. 25 years for a diagnosis of endometriosis, when I've had heavy painful periods my entire life, when I was just put on birth control to "regulate" and "treat symptoms". I was finally finding people who could help RESTORE MY HEALTH. I have a scheduled laparoscopy with Kip on October 9th, 2020, provided the government doesn't deem it "inessential" again like the did for so many of my endo sisters who were supposed to be having this hell of a disease removed from their bodies this spring, but I'll get into this more in another post.
   
   *****

   
   

   In the meantime, I was also seeing a cardiologist. Remember those arrhythmias and palpitations I noted earlier in this story? Well they were getting worse. I was having skipped heart beats daily. My heart would start racing with very little reasoning. After the appointment with Kip, I was returning back to Rhode Island and had an array of heart tests scheduled with my cardiologist at Lifespan. She similarly did a panel of bloodwork on me, she also asked me "Have you been tested for Lyme disease?" I answered, yes that it had always come back negative, and she insisted we test again. 

   
   

   I saw my test results come back on the Lifespan medical portal before my follow up, before further testing, and it was different from other test results I had seen. When neurology tested me, it was an EIA test and this was what I saw:

   
   

   

   
   

   No elaboration, no details, nothing. This is at a laboratory, at a TOP MEDICAL FACILITY in one of the LEADING MEDICAL COMMUNITIES in the United States.

   
   

   When I received my results from my Cardiologist in Rhode Island, mind you, on the Western Blot, that according to the CDC should ONLY be performed after a Positive EIA or ELISA, this is what I saw:

   
   

   

   
   
   

   

   
   
   

   

   
   

   Woah, this looks VERY different doesn't it?

   
   

   How is testing so inconsistent? What made doctors decide not to further evaluate Lyme disease this whole time? I've had symptoms of Lyme disease since January 2017, that got dismissed and passed off as Fibromyalgia for 3 years! By 4 medical professionals! And 3 others didn't even ask about it! Even the good ones! There's clearly something wrong with how our medical community operates in between specialties! If it's not what they do, it's not on their radar!

   
   

   I started asking so many more questions. I had to, I put so much work into advocating for my healthcare I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't keep fighting. What are these antibodies? What do they mean? I started getting answers.

   
   

   The antibodies in the Western Blot are unique for different cell structure of spirochete bacteria (single celled bacteria whom have a spiral shape, and are characteristic of Borrellia burgdorferi, the bacteria responsible for Lyme disease, and other tickborne parasites. They have flagella. They DRILL their way into organs and cells and affect their function, causing neurological problems if they're in your central nervous system, heart rate problems if they find their way into your heart, arthritis if they infect your joints, the list goes on and on. Other parasites are often transmitted along with B. burdgorferi and cause a multitude with coinfections, affecting many other cells, including blood cells.

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   What makes Lyme disease, such a low priority in the medical community? Millions of people go undiagnosed with chronic pain and it's been found by scientists that these parasites can be transmitted by dozens of other insects, some that are found worldwide, such as mosquitos, and body lice (aka scabies.... interesting... hmm...) Are you picking up what I'm throwing down?

   
   

   Despite my love for the outdoors, despite my frequent hiking, I never had a tick bite, never found a tick. I was alway vigilant against them. I had scabies in December 2016. My symptoms arose in January 2017. 

   
   

   The plot thickens.

   
   

   Back to these antibodies. I started learning what they were, I started looking them up, one by one, and noticed that many of the antibodies are common among many bacteria, but also some of them, are unique to B. burdorferi,  including one of the bands that came back reactive, band Lyme 41. How could it be, that I could have an antibody for a parasite that is UNIQUE to the parasite, and still have a NEGATIVE test result?

   
   

   I looked further.

   
   

   According to the CDC, the Center of Disease Control, which I'm sure so many are aware of right now with the onslaught of our current pandemic of SARS-CoV-2, I do not have Lyme disease.

   
   

   What?

   
   

   How?

   
   

   I have all the symptoms, I've HAD all the symptoms, they've gotten worse, I've never been treated with doxy, I have antibodies FOR LYME.

   
   

   My first test in 2017 was an EIA test. It came back negative.

   My second test in 2019 was a Lyme Western Blot. It still came back negative.

   
   

   This doesn't add up, it doesn't make sense. You can ONLY have antibodies if you've had the antigen IN YOUR BODY.

   
   

   In my research I found there's another test, that the CDC refuses to acknowledge that would make my antibody results come back as a LOUD positive. This is called the IGeneX test.  I had both bands 39 and 41 present on my Western Blot, according to IGeneX, I have Lyme disease. According to the CDC, I do NOT have Lyme disease, despite my "idiopathic symptoms."

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   Insurance does not cover it, you must pay for it out of pocket, most medical doctors won't use it, why? Because the CDC doesn't recommend it, and they won't treat their patients against their guidelines. I even asked my PCP when I saw my results come back with the Lyme specific antibodies if she can put me on antibiotics while I search for an infectious disease specialist. She told me "No I won't do that, the CDC doesn't recommend treating Lyme with antibiotics if it's not at the beginning stages of infection." What makes doctors comply so strictly, when the evidence is clear that there is active, live, bacterial infection happening and destroying the bodies of millions of people with untreated Lyme disease!? 

   
   

   What is it that makes the CDC ignore this test from the medical community? There's a multitude of theories on this if you're so inclined to dive into it, but it's pretty clear to me, that it's MONEY. If you follow the money, you start to wonder, how many people, go undiagnosed with Lyme disease, and are passed off as idiopathic chronic pain sufferers, with no cure, and are resulting to lifelong dependence on pharmaceuticals that do NOTHING for them except treat symptoms, and keep them bound to paying for prescriptions and insurance premiums, and thousands of dollars on testing and medical bills...

   
   

   It just doesn't make sense, it doesn't add up.

   
   

   I decided to find myself a specialist to help treat the Lyme disease that the medical community has been screaming that I don't have for the last 3 years. So now do I not only have Autoimmune neutropenia, I have Endometriosis, and Lyme disease to put the cherry on top of the cake.

   
   

   Every infectious disease specialist I called for a consultation said they wouldn't treat me because it's not a new infection. What kind of flaming horse shit is this!? Honestly.. what makes anyone think this is the way to treat sick people? OH YEAH.. because the CDC tells them not to. I finally dug my way into the office of a rheumatologist who uses a functional medicine approach, and they're actually taking the time to look at me as an individual, seeing what's going on with my hormones, my nutrition, my vitamin deficiencies, and using an aggressive herbal protocol to help get my body functioning better. They're willing to offer me IGeneX testing, but again, I have to pay for that out of pocket, along with my dozens of supplements that are also, not covered by insurance. 

   
   

   Insurance is useless, it leads to improper healthcare that keeps people sick instead of finding the root of their health issues and addressing it head on. We're conditioned to think we need medications instead of diet and lifestyle changes, and the only answer I can seem to come up with is FOR PROFIT.

   
   

   This is why I don't trust the CDC.

   
   

   They're keeping us sick. 

   
   

   Don't trust the government, and DO NOT trust the CDC.

   
   

   This is why, I'm so skeptical about what's going on with COVID-19, but I'll leave that for another episode.
   
   If you think I'm going to let myself get taken out by a fucking virus after everything I've been though, you're wrong.

   
   

   Be vigilant, my friends. For the love of humanity, be fucking VIGILANT.